pompadoured
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i have dogs that will ruin you:
August 29, 2007
My dogs sniff DVDs. These are my dogs. They will find your shit. They will sniff your DVDs. Bill Paxton and Meg Ryan will get that mad DVD money. You will lose your family. I have some dogs. I am sorry. I have movie industry dogs. You will go to jail. These dogs will find your crappy video-recorded copy of 'Transformers', and then you will not be able to feed your kids. You are destroying us. The motion picture industry only had enough money to train these dogs that can sniff-out plastic disks, and to help Michael Douglas afford a comfortable life having sex with hundreds of Asian prostitutes and swimming in crushed diamonds covered in white truffle oil. I am sorry. There is nothing I can do but ruin your life over this shakily-filmed low-quality copy of 'Rush Hour 3'. You were breaking the law and ruining us. I thank these dogs I trained. People were going to give you a marginal amount of money for a sub-par, crappy-looking version of a sub-par, crappy-looking movie, and now, now that money is ours. Your kids will grow-up on dry ramen and one-ply. Our kids will sleep on beds stuffed with recycled dead prostitutes from Samuel L. Jackson's Dead Prostitute Ranch. I'm sorry. These are my dogs. They sniff DVDs. They save us from the unstoppable destructive force of you and shitty pirated DVDs that people only buy because they don't want to spend more than a couple of bucks on our overpriced low-quality romance/comedy/sequel films. Fuck people who know the value of our craft and you. Go back to selling drugs to pedophiles. Your business model is broken. I have dogs now. I'm sorry.
*UPDATE* You can read this on Rumble now, too. Click on this sentence.
comments
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this is good. this is very good. you should submit this to elimae, after elimae opens again for submissions.
i think in october.
or submit it to Rumble. i will publish it.
- craig / August 30, 2007 11:19 AM
if you want to publish it on rumble, you can.
i don't really submit much to places anymore. i can't write what i want to if i submit places.
this piece is too topical for elimae, too blunt of a pro-pirate criticism for mcsweeeys, and too whatever for juked. i think i've been jaded from years of rejection and rejecting people, and am just tired of worrying about that sort of thing.
so, as with anything here, if you want it, feel free to take it. i like it when new people read my work. rumble is a nice magazine. thank you.
- gene / August 30, 2007 1:00 PM
i will do it.
i'm not sure you're right about elimae, though. they have published some pretty aggressive stuff. also some stuff that i think is not that good.
i only submit stuff once every couple of months. when i get rejected i wait four months.
i don't mind too much. i don't like rejecting people though. i know how hard some of them work on their stuff. makes me feel like hitler or something.
- craig / August 30, 2007 1:30 PM
I laughed twice and smiled for 30 seconds straight while reading this. Thank you. I like silly.
- Sabra / August 30, 2007 5:34 PM
Aggro!
- R™ / September 3, 2007 4:19 PM
post
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