pompadoured
<
>
I'm going to be a dad:
October 4, 2007
I haven't really talked about my personal life on this blog in a while, but I think I need to, just so I can have some sort of record of what things are like. You know, for my kids and shit.
I am going to be a dad in four months. I think I know an okay amount about being a dad. I have had a dad for like twenty-six years now. He's been a good dad. I think I am an alright person, and it was his responsibility to make me an alright person. I'm not a hater, and since I don't drink haterade, I know my dad did fine. I will be fine.
I like wearing ugly, stupid-looking clothes and embarrassing people in front of their friends. I like sports, cussing, and if I have a boy, I have some good misguided and stereotypically-correct information to pass on about women, and I was the beer chugging champion of my fraternity pledge class, so I have that going for me. Also, I can fart well.
If I have a girl, I am fucked, because she will eventually bleed, and that'll fuck me up. I don't know shit about bleeding from my genitals, and I won't know how to react, and I only have like twenty or so years to figure that whole deal out. Until then, I've got it covered. I'll just give her ponies and shit and take her to Glamour Shots. All little girls like that kind of thing. Also, if she doesn't become a cheerleader in high school, I will disown her.
Overall, I think I am ready. All I have to do is hide my guns and porno, and work on making my farts a little louder, and I'm fully prepared for being a dad. I just ordered a helmet and some tongs on Amazon, so I have the physical part down, I'm just worried about my mental game-plan– like, if these things shit on you and stuff, how do you retaliate? Do babies like whiskey? And what if it's porno time for daddy, and there's no cardboard box around to throw the baby in?
comments
____
if you want i can come to houston and be your kid for a couple of days. i'll pretend you're my dad and we can play fun games like "where's daddy's porno?" or "why the fuck do i have a black baby?". if you want to get girl practice i can squeeze some blood capsules with my taint, wear a linen dress, and pretend to freak out about the spots. it's your call man, if you need me, i'm here to help.
-tim
- Tim the Sanders / October 4, 2007 2:04 PM
It'll be like the Marfa trip all over again.
- gene / October 4, 2007 2:34 PM
But with like, you know, more fake taint blood.
- gene / October 4, 2007 5:08 PM
gene - congratulations.
this is really really great.
i love babies.
this is true: i have a degree in child development.
you can ask me questions and i will know the answers.
i'm very happy for you and your wife.
i have nothing sarcastic to say today.
- craig / October 7, 2007 12:13 PM
Thanks, Craig.
I'm sure there will be some questions, eventually.
- gene / October 8, 2007 8:35 AM
Just make sure your daughter won't play with Barbie dolls. She'll be a stripper. So says my mother. Hail, mother!
- Erin / October 16, 2007 4:13 PM
well, I'm not really part of any family anymore, but sometimes I check in on my old family via the internet since it's safe and also, by the time I write this your new baby will be 6 months old, I wonder how your mother likes being a granny?Last time I checked she didn't look much like one, maybe a 'glammy. I know you will be a good dad, and I know you will be sensitive to your child's needs and artistic desires. I remember reading some of your first writing and it was good then, and you were only about 2 or 3. Congratulations, maybe you will get a black baby doll like Leo did.
- paula / August 30, 2008 1:22 AM
post
____