Pompadoured

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The Last Part of Writing a Poem:

April 30, 2009

I will start deleting things. Sometimes I just fill text in, because the poem needs something there. Later, I will fill that space in with something. I delete. I listen to music. The world is not predicated on what you will do, but what has been done. I pretend I am important. I think about how unimportant I am. Sometimes, if I think hard enough, I will cry. It is okay. I will stand on a mountain later in life and think "I fucked up." When the poem is finished, I am almost not ashamed of it. All of the caffeine, all of the sickness of whatever meal I ate will wear off. I read the thing and feel like I haven't fucked it up, for a day or two. I will give it to Jenny, and she will tell me the parts that are not like me. I will send it to a few people I trust that have a mild interest in my writing. I drink lots of water and listen to music. If there is something to eat in the kitchen, I will eat it. Maybe I will drive somewhere unimportant, just to remind myself that I am insignificant. It's fun to be a person, and to sit in front of your computer, and to worry about the past and the future and all of the things you cannot control. It's fun to pretend like you can control your fear of death and of living. Outside, there are things I cannot control. I can pretend to master them. It's easier when you write to think of all of the people that have written things, from all over the planet, over the course of entire human history, and to think about life in 10,000 years, and how little all of those writers will matter. I am usually happy when I finish writing something, like I've accomplished something vital. Like I'll be vindicated in 2042 by a tree growing out of a forest where Jenny has left my ashes. Like it's okay to live in spite of liking to do dumb things.

comments
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high fives
from my heart

- sasha / April 30, 2009 7:44 PM

i like this a lot

- dan / May 5, 2009 7:04 PM

Bad color scheme! Destroy it now! Congrats on new webdesign bizness!

- craig / August 24, 2009 9:25 AM

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